Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in Risa's LiveJournal:

Friday, June 24th, 2005
12:38 pm	Get an IPOD Bitches its free!! http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=19682858 Current Mood: chipper (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 8th, 2004
1:07 am	If It were liquid it would drown me... sooo, how long has it been. i have a lot on my mind that i suppose i've been avoiding, but its whatever. clearly its not since im writing about it, but aha...fuck it. im chillin chillin maxin and relaxin'. im back here at the berg and i dont really know why im soo fucked up. i like being here, but there is something about this place that just does not seem right. i've been a really bad person and i've been flirting with a boy who's taken. it is innocent still, i know i wont hook up with him like, but i cant really deal with all the insanity. i have pityriasis rosea which it looks like something is eating my skin from the outside in and i cant do shit about it. i am a broke college student who is not getting good grades, and is not having an excellent time to show for it. i have horrible work ethic which inevitably keeps me down. i feel like my roommate hates me, even tho she wont say anything....but that goes back to me thinking everyone hates me. like i think that im having a good time but that's such a huge facade. i always shit on people for not standing by their convictions but at this point i am such a walking contradiction....i want him, i dont want him, i say i wont but i do, what the heck is wrong with me....i let him dictate my emotions and i get so anxious... i feel weaker and weaker as the days go by--both academically and socially. there isnt much of a social life here, but when i feel like i cant just roam into a place and make myself comfortable that makes me question my ability to do a lot of things. i am so superstitious that i believe that the music i listen to will dictate whether or not i'm having a good or bad day, in terms of brers, schoolwork and overall luck. what in the hell is wrong with me. i wear my heart on my sleeve and it's slowly being contaminated by all the outside elements...and still i leave it there to perish. i feel like people talk about me, and it upsets me because i dont know what they are saying. i want to just have a circle of honest decent people within my circle but it seems that i just attract the bad element. i dont want to question everything he says to me but i do. he is the sketchiest mofo i know. i would never tolerate anyone else acting like this but for some reason its like he can get away with it and i let him. i hate that. i want to hate him, but i cant. he doesnt get close enough for me to tell him how i feel and when i do say something he just acts as if he's too stupid to understand what's going on. i know that's bullshit. and i know he's fuckin with that nasty girl. whatever. with all that i claim i know i still dont close him off...why cant i just make myself wise. why do i not think his season is over. why cant i just let him go. i dont want to believe that i lose everything and everyone that i care about, but slowly im realizing that it's true. i let down my guard and i let him in and he trampled my heart. i dont think i could ever admit that because i have too much pride, and that's a mofuckin bitch but still i cant tackle it. i want to find someone who is attractive and nice and is into me as much as im into him...i cant believe i let someone here hurt me. and because he doesnt know he still is hurting me...i feel like such a fool all the time. i dont want to care but i do. i dont want to be that story that gets told year after year time after time, but slowly and surely that's who i am becoming, that girl that u get told about...doing all the things girls never should...falling into the trap, thinking that every boy who flirts likes you...i know i am so much better than that but it's hard to see past that when it comes down to crunch time....how unfortunate. that's sad in itself that that's all i can say when i think about my situation. i want to change. that's what i want and that's what i will do. i will will will....i need a real fuckin therapist...this writing shit aint workin out.  and i feel like im losing all my friends. omg that's soo for another time because if i write anymore i'm going to bust. goodmorning. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Buddha Bar (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 27th, 2003
8:46 pm	Happy Deathday! Your name: fullmoon20 You will die on: Saturday, December 31, 2033 You will die of: Food Poisoning Username: Created by Quill Current Mood: discontent Current Music: The Scientist (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 20th, 2003
11:45 pm	Just a quick update. Gotta Say Today was a good day Well well....kim walker, marciel, macintosh, chandler or whatever her real last name is will live a very long life. I called her name last nite and she just happened to appear at my front step with her two children. kymoria is a beautiful baby girl(not so much a baby) she's already two years old. Unfortunately, Kyron is autistic, she said the specific kind but i dont remember what it was. He seems pretty much the same, he barely speaks. I feel badly for him tho because u can see everything he's feeling from the expression on his face. pobrecito. But back to my good day. I have a new little interest thingy. His name is Micheal since i have come to my senses about the luis thing. FOr one, mari is head over heels for this kid, and secondly he's not that attractive. Thirdly he was feelin himself a little too much. i talked to him like once and he assumed that i liked him. What the hell is that about?? Anyways...micheal is quite the handsome young man that i need to sweep me off my feet b4 college...it's so essential. but i can actually talk to him which has been difficult for me lately. finding a guy that i was actually interested in what he had to say. I've met him thru mari, well yisi actually, but it doesnt really matter. I was talkin to him about his hair and we started talking about stephani because she was hitting on elvis which is none of my bizniz so i wont get into it. he has amazing lips and his skin is clear which is also a plus. he's a little taller than me. and he's nicely proportioned. I wont rant on anymore about him tho...i'm just gonna see where this goes. Now, onto Waine. basically we didnt hook up again thank goodness. but of course like every guy who cant take the heat he started acting wierd. he acted like i wasnt even there...he gave me kiss on the cheek then just ignored me. i'm like what the hell is up. I'm not too bent outta shape tho. I shouldnt have let it happen in the first place, and i have to assume that this was going to happen. so all's well that end's well. we'll see what happens from here. love love. Current Mood: chipper Current Music: Pony (2 Comments |Comment on this)
12:09 am	I Just Called To Say Hi. Today was an alright day...nothing spectacular happened, i went shopping, took the puppy 2 the vet...and when i got home, Tesfa called me. It was a little strange considering he had told me a couple months ago that i ruined his life for breaking up with him..but anyway. I dont know what it is but he always has had this talent for calling me when there are ppl in the room. It would be ok if they were normal ppl but it's my mother (super entremetida) mari, who i'll tell everything later, and my sister who i dont always give the details too...so he's asking me oh how is everything and i'm giving the standard one word answers--good, it's aight....then he asks do u have a new boyfriend yet?? i'm like NO. that's not me, then of course i had to leave the room with the pretense that i couldnt hear, and i was like no. i dont have a boyfriend, i dont dump one guy to get with the next. So of course i ask the big question...do u have a girlfriend, because guys only bring that question up 4 two reasons: an act of desperation to prove they are doing better than u(which would have been the case had i responded yes) of as a tactic to tell u how much they love you, and that they are still waiting in the cut. not like it's a big deal to me or anything, but he must have had somethin because when i returned the question, there was a suspicious chuckle that followed. i dont see what the need to lie to me is...we will never be back together. He asked me if i love him, and i avoided the question, by giving some shit answer...i told him i didnt know. i told him i have problems confronting my emotions and that i'd have to sit down and really evaluate everything before i told him yes or no...but it's true that i'm an apathetic fool who can barely admit how she feels to herself much less to someone else. In all truth and seriousness i know that i dont love him. It's almost painful to see how much someone can proclaim that they sincerely care about me and i can just push them away. It makes no sense to me. I feel like i deserve the bad luck that i have in love because i have mistreated someone who cares so much for me. i've been told that part of being in love is being able to get hurt or whatever, and i know that to a degree that's true but everyone likes to think that maybe they could be an exception...it is all so necessary. What goes around comes around and i'm gonna get mine. Not to sound cynical or anything. btw i know icant spell. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: It's the Silent kind (Comment on this)
Monday, July 7th, 2003
11:19 pm	Bla Bla Bla I really dont have much of anything to say...or what i do feel like saying i cant really articulate because yet again i realize there is not trust system in my life. i cant even trust that my thoughts wont be invaded by some judgemental asshole...but that's just the price u pay for putting ur thoughts out there. so i think my mom is trying to get rid of me becuz i still do not have a job...i should just go back to london and not come back. not even for school. a large source of happiness right now is my puppy sokho. everyone keeps asking these fuckin questions over and over...as if my answer will change. even if there is something going on in my life why the hell would i tell u...what the hell have u told me that would make me forth coming with anything about my damn life...i feel so estranged from everyone...probably becuz i make it that way but whatever. as usual my thoughts are scrambled but who gives a damn...this is my place and anyone who doesnt like it or thinks they have the right to critisize it can close their eyes and fuck off. i want a boyfriend but in my condition i see that this would be impossible. i hate the boys that i associate with only because they remind me that every relationship that i have with males is either non-emotional or platonic....who the fuck wants that??? jeez. i feel dirty using all that profanity but whatever.it's not whatever or i wouldnt have mentioned it....so since it has had it's due attention i'm moving on. That sounds like such a lovely concept however it's sad that it is not applicable in all aspects of my life. i want something sooo different from what i am used to...i need to break the cycle that i have set for myself. we wont even discuss that right now. Maybe france will be good for me...or maybe i just get into the habit of running away a little too much. people assume a lot with me when they really dont know nething at all. i feel like i could go on about all this forever. my sister is so concerned but not really all at the same time. she is so interested to find out what is troubling me but in the same instance can only offer me generic advice that i have heard over and over again. it's really not her fault but...hey, i almost sed whatever then realized that it's an inappropriate response considering i'm talking to myself. i went driving today, and although it's supposed to be some liberating experience...both times it made me intensely angry because the car kept cutting out because i couldnt shift gears properly, but my mom was actually great at cheering me on so i'm happy about that. she was being so supportive of me, i liked that a lot. but then this evening i went driving with real and all she could offer me was crude critism...then she got on the fone while i was driving...i made two mistakes that she didnt correct until we were outside of the car and she made me feel like shit. i have very few friends. people that i can really call friends. lately i've been feeling more alone and isolated than ever. but it's not an unusual feeling anymore. i've become more and more reclusive and i dont really kno what to do. i like waine's friend luis, but i cant really do anything about it because maria has come over and told me that she likes luis too so i cant really overstep my boundaries and chase this girl's man. and as per usual i didnt do anything about it to sho him the way i feel. and this could just be my overactive imagination as it always is, but i think waine and steph are hooking up...i dont know why it bothers me but it does. i'm just not going to continue anymore. i've written enough already. goodnite. i dont like that there is never any resolution to any of the issues that i face. adios. Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: Get rowdy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 17th, 2003
9:46 am	I just got back from london....i didnt really want to go because i knew i wouldnt want to come back...and of course i was right. i'm home now and there isnt really much to do. janine has invited me to her graduation this thursday, but not directly so i dont know about that. i might have to go to minnesota anyway...but i dont know if i would go even if i didnt. i thought about being the bigger person and just going and giving my support and stuff but i really dont know about that. i feel like i wasnt worth it to her. and so why should i go be the person patting her on the back after she's done when she didnt do the same for me. wow...okay. she's going to college in pennsylvania too....some cheney college or something....i'm not really sure. but her mom doesnt even realize that there is anything going on between us. that girl called me 4 days later...it wasnt even like she called me right after or the day as a matter of fact...i thought she didnt apologize until i heard the lame ass message she left me....with this nonchalant insincere apology. i didnt realize how bitter this whole topic made me until i started writing about it....but my whole thing is if someone can let u down at such a big milestone in your life then what the hell do they really mean to u? i could understand if she didnt go because her mother was sick...or if she was sick or if something other than the fact that she was tired and was beat from going to prom.....to make matters worse she had her sister call my sister...not even me~~ my freakin sister--why? because MY sister was HER ride to MY graduation. what the hell? i, from here on out will make no effort to maintain that farse of a friendship....i wish her nothing but the best and a more successful journey to finding people who care about her. whatever. so last night i had this dream about being at a masters type thing, only it was more like nora's building but it was supposed to be masters...then trevor showed up and we were being so friendly...i think corey or someone was there being like heeeyyy u two...but i was holding onto trevors arms from behind of him rather he was holding my arms in front of me while he ran, and we just ran around this building....i really dont know where i'm goin with this...but i was just having a lot of fun because we were just runninig all over the place...then we got stopped but it didnt really matter cuz we werent listening then i woke up. so. that's the end of my pointless tirade. Current Mood: calm Current Music: Nas Heaven (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 31st, 2003
12:36 pm	I NeverTurned 12 I think I'm really stupid. I thought that i would learn one day but truly i just dont know. i'm glad that i know becuz i wont make a fool of myself when i flirt with him and i think something is there but i'll know the truth....i'm gonna go do some laundry...one day i will see clearly. until then i will be mad. anger is such a wasteful emotion. why can't i just grow up???? (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 2nd, 2003
2:27 pm	Hello Stranger Ain't much changin in my life. It's raining out, and yet again I feel like I'm a burden on my family. I come home and God only knows why. It doesnt make any sense. I come home for like a day, I eat, go out, then I leave. My mom never wants to take me back to school, and my sister is annoyed when she has to...so i dont even see the point of coming down here if i'm such an inconvenience. She sits there and she watches me go thru this shit and she cant even give me any fuckin' advice. I run away from all of my feelings. I don't know how to handle any emotional situations. I'm back in the position I'm always in. I'm worried about getting into college. I feel like i'm alone doin this. My mother is so non-existent in my life. She provides no emotional support. Aside from giving me money all she does is yell on me for everything that I do wrong. Then yesterday she decided that I wasnt gonna get my graduation dress made...I dont know why I believed her in the first place. All she ever does is lie to me. She's gone to Thailand three times within the past 2 months and she's going back yet she cant take me with her for two days to get my dress done. I wanna fuckin wear a white t-shirt to graduation then tell her to kiss my ass...i hate her so much. If she knew that she didnt want me to get it made she should've just sed so....and she keeps comparing me to my sister. I'M NOT HER!!!! I DONT HAVE A 4.0...I'M GONNA BE 24YRS OLD W/MY MASTERS!!! fuck. I love my sister but we are very different ppl. I get compared to her constantly. I hate that woman. I cant wait to just get the hell out of here. Everything is changing around me...but it's definitely not in a good way. I've been waiting seven years for two things...and still they seem so far away. The two things i looked forward to the most seem so so so unattainable. Someday shit'll be good... Current Mood: pessimistic Current Music: This Can't be life... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 3rd, 2003
12:47 am	otra cosa mariposa So the new year is started...i just hope the rest of my year isnt like last night. this break was really needed...but looking back it's been such a flop. I didnt leave the country...didnt even leave the state. however it may sound...it still is so absurd for me...I realized yet again that i'm such a fuckin punk. i want to do three things at once. i 'm so fickle that it just fucks me up. At the end of the day i just need to follow my instinct. On a bright and happy note, my aunt and uncle just had a healthy baby boy, so my cuz hollie is a big sister now. I'm so happy for them. I want to see them like now. I want so many things. I feel like everything that i set up for myself in my head just goes astray when it's time to execute. i need to grow up...just change my perspective on things. maybe i should try harder--or just try period. I feel like i am bitter for all the wrong reasons....i focus on the littlest things, and i act like shit doesnt phase me but that is blatantly not true. i block the ppl and things that touch me the most. i really have to work on that. but yea. I'm grateful for my health....and the happiness that everyone else around me has. i feel like i've lost my drive. so i'm glad that there are still ppl who have it. what the fuck am i saying? i'm out. happy new year. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: Cry Me A River (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 26th, 2002
1:18 am	Happy Christmas Well today has been a long day (the 25th). I havent really enjoyed my christmas because i've been sick. but i spent it alone with my sister. i got a ring so far...i havent really seen anyone else to get or give presents to but hey. it hurts when i brush my teeth. and i hate eating beucz i feel like everything goes to the hole where my wisdom teeth were and it feels gritty. my life is pretty uneventful. and i like it. i got all these gifts for ppl and now i dont even know if i wanna give them to them. i'm retarded...it's early. i'm gonna go do something Current Mood: bored Current Music: so solid (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 20th, 2002
8:34 pm	my world is one big poo I don't know what i do to just keep getting myself in trouble. jeez. i dont want to go into it right now but damn. i'm so ready to just graduate from this place. I love it, but when it's time to go then flippin eh' it's just time to go. I really need this vacation. I need rest and so much more. I am really really ready. i smell cigar smoke....its so strange becuz i'm in the library Current Mood: distressed Current Music: jay-z, the curse (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 3rd, 2002
8:50 pm	Wow, no anger I'm feeling really chill right now. This weekend has kept me busy, and when i got flustered i just bitched then ignored it...I like this so much. I feel so free of crap right now, things are simple and i like it that way. I have all this homework that i havent done, and i'm not talking to a couple of my friends not to mentiont the ones that arent talking to me, but as bleek as that may sound, right now i just dont care. I am coping just fine right now. Tomorrow may be a different story but i'm enjoying the here and now....cheese::cheese::cheese::and i dont really feel like any of the stuff that i've written in the past journals haven been accurate except for the one just before this...the other ones seem really off to me, that's not really how i feel about those situations and i cant really erase it,but OH Well. i gotta go do work for real now. bie xox. Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 31st, 2002
7:49 pm	Ugly I don't know how to feel anymore. me siento muy fea. i feel like these bouts of insecurity are so outside of my personality traits but boo. i think i have wasted so much time on feeling the way i do. It's hard when you realize something for the ten millionth time and yet it feels like the first time everytime. But I promise, this time i GIVE UP. i cant be nice, i cant be sympathetic, and I can't keep caring. All that is just hurting me too much. All that just makes me feel ugly. Not just the way i look, but the way i feel. I feel like i have all this ugly emotion that is just becoming stagnant within me...it's not really building up, and its definitely not going anywhere. I try to get rid of it, and it goes away temporarily, but then when it comes back i feel like it hits ten times harder...it's a big vicious cycle. I feel insulted by the decisions that people make, especially when they affect me because i feel like they are made o hurt me intentionally.::::::On another note, i feel like i'm being a hypocrit because it's ok for me to do what i want, but not for other people to do what they want when its right in my face. WAIT....that's the point when i do my shit, i may talk about it, but the other half doesnt know about it, and i DONT do it in their face. but all that doesnt matter, i feel disrespected....i dont care about anything else, but i thought i was his friend... i thought wrong (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 28th, 2002
8:08 pm	yea... so there's more...this was little baby beluga's first kiss...how they hell did it all happen anyway....fuckin hell. i'm doing homework and its a bitch....but it's kinda keepin my mind of this...so whatever...i'm gonna listen to bob marley...he's just the best. im about to just give up on guys...first i was like the key to not being shocked, appalled or hurt was steering clear of monogamy but it's just guys in general....poo. i have work to do. (Comment on this)
5:06 pm	yuck when i heard that a certain someone kissed another certain someone...i wanted to gag!!!! this weekend was so wonderful and restful. i spent a couple minutes with the cure so that made me feel kinda special. my life has been kinda uneventful that's makin me feel good. i want good shit to happen but when stuff does happen it isnt always good so i can deal with nothing happening right now. why does everyone just fuck me over....that whole kiss thing really makes me sick to my stomach...sure i know he's not my man but still...why would he kiss that fucking susage roll for a girl...yuck yuck yuck....fuckin ugly ass bitch....it took her how many years...stupid fuck pining over him since 9th fuckin grade...yuck. i cant believe that shit...fuck that bum ass...but anyway...i gotta calm my nerves...bie...i wanna punch them both in the face..i dont even wanna complain about it to people cuz that shit makes me look bad...from me to Her????? yuck Current Mood: infuriated (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 19th, 2002
9:52 pm	Oh My Days, it's Real's Birthday Holy shit...a whole year has come and gone. Sadly enough i'm still bitter and emotionally fucked up. But i'm chillin. I had a "visitor" and that made life seem a little bit worth living for. I feel like i'm in a fucking asylum where i have the people come visit me because im too unstable to be with them on the outside world. what the fuck. why am i so hostile. This is a really bad way to start off writing in this thing but whatever. I am just that kind of person. I was really happy all week, then i came back here and realized what was really going on around me. making myself oblivious to the apparent things is what gets me through tough times. (1 Comment |Comment on this)